A Week Ago Today My Life Changed FOREVER

Good Morning!  :) 

Today I feel weighed down with worry and fears! 

A week ago...........exactly a week ago this morning at this very time, 10:00 AM, I was given the diagnosis that no woman wants to hear, "You have breast cancer" and need a lumpectomy.  My mind has been swirling ever since.  My surgery date is in 12 days.  I pray that they get all the cancer cells and that I don't have to endure the toxic radiation or chemo therapy.  I think at this point in my life I will decline both and find an alternative.  I don't know.  In fact I don't really know much about cancer, let alone breast cancer, and so the reason for this blog.  I am scared, scared of having surgery, taking drugs, the reality I may have to take chemo or radiation treatments, hormonal therapy, loosing my hair, and then of course the cost of it all.

On my mind this morning are worries about my husband's trip to Wilkes Barre, PA next weekend  to pick up our grandson who will be spending most of the summer.  He chose to cut the timing close, driving the 9 hrs down Saturday, staying overnight then driving the 9 hrs back Sunday, getting here later in the day and then getting up early to get me to the hospital at 8:30 AM.  Which means we have to get up at 5:00 AM to make Bangor, an hour drive away in time.  I have to shower with this special body wash the night before and again that morning.  And my mind wanders.........what if the Jeep breaks down?  Then what?  I don't know anyone here who could take me and although my sweet neighbor has offered to help with taking me to chemo if I needed it I can't ask her to take me to surgery, which means an hour drive each way, then wait all day and take me home.  And I have to have surgery on that date because if I don't then I'll have to wait 3 weeks or more.  That means that the dark vile cancer has 3 more weeks in my body to do damage, to grow.  I really need that surgery done as soon as they can because I can feel the stinging burn as the cancer grows in my left breast.  What was hubby thinking when he planned that one?

Then I worry too about that weekend he is gone because that means he won't be here Saturday evening and the noisy neighbors might think with the Jeep gone nobody is home and raise holy hell and crank their loud music that weekend.  Then I'll get another migraine and still be weak and feeling awful come Monday morning.  I need to save my energy for this battle, for surgery and kicking cancer's ass.  I would have to call the police but then they noisy neighbors are politically connected in our small town and nothing might be done and then of course the fear of their retaliation.  I should not have to live in fear of their retaliation or noise.  This past Sunday was awful, they really showed how ignorant, cruel, and disrespectful they really are.

So much weighing down on me this morning. And to think that a week ago my life forever changed when I received the grim diagnosis that no woman ever wanted to hear. 

After the Explosion

And soooooooooo I blew.  Yep I blew, lost my shit and said some really really terrible things.  I don't know if they heard me or not but I am thinking that they may have because they moved their lawn chairs to their porch and yesterday had their music on but it was on the other side of their house and not a problem.

I mean where is the humanity in the world?  My husband politely asked them Saturday evening and explained I was just diagnosed with cancer, they were nice about it he said.  I had my doubts but figured I'd give them the benefit of my doubt.  Sadly my gut was right.  That loud booming music triggered a very painful migraine headache which I tried to dull down by taking a half of an anti anxiety medication my dr prescribed me for the biopsy.  I laid down on our bed, our bedroom faces their garage where their stereo was and the bass booming.  All I heard was the constant "boom, boom, boom, boom......." I was at my wits end and so when their company finally left and it was quiet I rose up outta the bed like a possessed monster out of a Stephen King story and opened the back door and started shouting a tirade of horrible ugly things to them.  I snapped, I broke.  I have never ever before in my life broke like that.  Every emotion I had bottled up inside rose to the surface and blew.  I feel disgusted with myself because I have always taken the high road.  I have always been diplomatic.  But they poked the bear when they got drunk and cranked up that damn music and the bass started booming.......could hear it into the living room with the tv volume turned up as loud as it would go.  Could not drown it out. 

Maybe that explosion was the result of my tossing a witch ball into their side yard on Friday behind their garage where the stereo is.  I tossed it and as I did so said, "Shut the Fuck UP or MOVE!"  Magick works in mysterious ways.  What happens next remains to be seen.  I am anticipating they will just to be hateful crank up that fucking bass even louder this weekend  just because they can.  I am not up to a war with surgery on the horizon in 13 days.  I have enough on my plate right now to digest and certainly don't need the additional stress of their ignorance and cruelty.  I wonder what they would think if someone did their to their mother or loved one the same thing..........loud music booming so they could not rest and heal.  But they have no sense of compassion.  She has a nasty reputation in town for being a mean drunk.  I've not danced with her yet in the 6 yrs they have lived next door but it may come to that.  And of those 6 yrs this spring, May, has been the worst.  The music booming even louder than in the past.  I fear this is going to get really ugly.  But I must be strong and get my boots on and kick ass!

Noisy Nuisance Neighbors

OMG they are pure vermin!  They are vile just like this cancer I have growing in my body and it seems that as my cancer grows so does their noise.  They have always been noisy, but this weekend is the worst.  My sweet husband went over last night.  He asked them to please  lower their music last night, said I was just diagnosed with cancer and they were nice about it and did but now.....holy shit.....its Memorial Day Weekend, Sunday night and they are booming their fucking music full force.  Their actions say so much about them.  Go to fucking hell

When Life Tosses A Curve Ball: Boggy's Breast Cancer Journey

Breast cancer, the recent statistics say that 1 in every 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and the numbers are increasing for women in their 30's and 40's.  I never thought much about breast cancer, as far as I knew the gene didn't run in my family tree but I can't be certain.  My mother was semi-estranged from her sisters and her sisters kept secrets and sadly my only female cousin and I don't have a close relationship.  My father was estranged from his own mother most of his life as well as estranged from his half brother.    Up until last month the only person I knew with breast cancer was an administrator I worked with and she was a very negative person.  More on her in future posts.  I survived a heart attack in 2011 and now I have to fight to survive again, you see I was given the news last week Wednesday after a biopsy on my left breast on Monday.  I have breast cancer. 

The diagnosis stunned me.  The letter from the oncologist stated to bring someone with you for support.  Glad I brought my hubby because that news was the scariest news in my entire life and the least thing I expected to hear.    Cancer to me is like a death sentence.  Its this dark vile blob that takes over your body, slowly eating away at it until you are reduced to nothing.  The doctor went on to say that its a tiny dot, a nodule he called it and described it as the size of an M & M peanut.  He said if I am lucky they got it when they did the biopsy.  I am scheduled for surgery June 11th, three days before my 61st birthday.  Although he explained everything fairly well I was still processing "caner' and not comprehending much else of what he said.  Its a shock to be told you have cancer, let alone breast cancer.  Then as I sat on the examination table wearing that dag "johnny robe" I realized that women don't talk readily about breast cancer and the procedures one has to go through, step by step.  Hence the purpose of this blog to share my experience as I go through this new battle with breast cancer on my journey in life.  And this has me thinking a LOT about what women go through, especially Crones. 


He went on to say the surgery would consist of my having dye injected into me and that had to set for 2 hrs.  Then he was going to go in a remove the nodule and then check my lymph node to make sure that it had not spread.  I asked if this were local and he said no, I would have anesthesia.  Its outpatient surgery.  I'll spend the day at the hospital, an hour drive away and then go home.  I asked him details about complications and explained our grandson was coming to visit and I wasn't going to allow anything to get in the way of that.  He said I would be given a special bra by the local cancer organization that zips in the front and has Velcro straps.  I would need to wear this for 2 weeks and take it off only when I shower.  And speaking of shower, I can't shower for 2 days!  UGH!  I'll have to do what my heart sister's call a "W" shower.  Wipes. 

After surgery he will know more about the next steps.  If surgery successfully removed the cancer then nothing.  If not then the next course is chemo or radiation or possibly hormonal therapy.  He did say if he were a betting man that he would go with hormonal therapy as my hormone receptors tested positive.  If thats the case I will take a hormone pill for the next five to ten years.  I have to say I am scared of having to do chemo therapy or radiation.  Just to be safe I am going to cut my hair sometime over the next week to prepare.  I'll need to get some scarves as well.    Do I have confidence in this oncologist?  I think so, I've been burned before in the past by the incompetent doctors here in northern Maine but he seems competent.  He studied at Duke and did his residency at one of the top cancer treatment hospitals in the country, Roswell in Rochester, NY.  Being from western NY I know of their reputation. 

I am alone in my thoughts, sharing them with you my dear reader.  I'm scared.  I am overwhelmed and trying to process it all.  My heart attack set me back but  cancer sounds so ominous.  As time goes by I'll explain more and more and of the steps from the mammogram to the ultra sound/biopsy process.  Remember to get your annual mammograms and if anything comes back with a question (I was able to get my results through the patient portal) jump on it ASAP. 

So Where do I go from here?