Today I feel weighed down with worry and fears!
A week ago...........exactly a week ago this morning at this very time, 10:00 AM, I was given the diagnosis that no woman wants to hear, "You have breast cancer" and need a lumpectomy. My mind has been swirling ever since. My surgery date is in 12 days. I pray that they get all the cancer cells and that I don't have to endure the toxic radiation or chemo therapy. I think at this point in my life I will decline both and find an alternative. I don't know. In fact I don't really know much about cancer, let alone breast cancer, and so the reason for this blog. I am scared, scared of having surgery, taking drugs, the reality I may have to take chemo or radiation treatments, hormonal therapy, loosing my hair, and then of course the cost of it all.
On my mind this morning are worries about my husband's trip to Wilkes Barre, PA next weekend to pick up our grandson who will be spending most of the summer. He chose to cut the timing close, driving the 9 hrs down Saturday, staying overnight then driving the 9 hrs back Sunday, getting here later in the day and then getting up early to get me to the hospital at 8:30 AM. Which means we have to get up at 5:00 AM to make Bangor, an hour drive away in time. I have to shower with this special body wash the night before and again that morning. And my mind wanders.........what if the Jeep breaks down? Then what? I don't know anyone here who could take me and although my sweet neighbor has offered to help with taking me to chemo if I needed it I can't ask her to take me to surgery, which means an hour drive each way, then wait all day and take me home. And I have to have surgery on that date because if I don't then I'll have to wait 3 weeks or more. That means that the dark vile cancer has 3 more weeks in my body to do damage, to grow. I really need that surgery done as soon as they can because I can feel the stinging burn as the cancer grows in my left breast. What was hubby thinking when he planned that one?
Then I worry too about that weekend he is gone because that means he won't be here Saturday evening and the noisy neighbors might think with the Jeep gone nobody is home and raise holy hell and crank their loud music that weekend. Then I'll get another migraine and still be weak and feeling awful come Monday morning. I need to save my energy for this battle, for surgery and kicking cancer's ass. I would have to call the police but then they noisy neighbors are politically connected in our small town and nothing might be done and then of course the fear of their retaliation. I should not have to live in fear of their retaliation or noise. This past Sunday was awful, they really showed how ignorant, cruel, and disrespectful they really are.
So much weighing down on me this morning. And to think that a week ago my life forever changed when I received the grim diagnosis that no woman ever wanted to hear.
Sis , all are valid fears, sure their are many sisters out their who can relate to your story! any one???? I not have any experience with breast cancer, or cancer... I can only imagine the fears you are enduring... ASKING for healing, strength for YOU <3
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