Reading the Vibes: A Lenormand Reading

I mentioned in my last blog my family situation, specifically the dynamics of my dysfunctional family.  I think I may have mentioned there are scant few blood family members in my family left.  What I have are:  my only sibling, a half brother who is eight years younger than I.  His wife, my SIL who is ten years younger than I, their two children, my niece and nephew.  Then three maternal aunts and one uncle, he married my Aunt Rhoda.  As for cousins, Rhoda and Keith's three sons who I have not seen in fifty years.  Then my Aunt Judith's two children, my cousin Boppie who is ten years older than I and my only female cousin living.  Then her half brother, my cousin AJ who I met once when he was  a baby, fifty years ago.  And my own two sons and four grandsons.  No surviving family members on my father's side, they died out nearly fifty years ago.  Both my parents passed away yrs ago.  So thats it.  My half brother has TBI (traumatic brain injury from an accident ten yrs ago) as does my niece.  So its really challenging to have a relationship with both of them at times.  My nephew rocks, he is very kind and loving, compassionate and caring, odd considering how his parents are.  He is the closest. 


I had reconnected to Boppie as I mentioned in my last blog and was working on building a relationship with her again when my SIL pulled the rug out from under my feet and destroyed that.  But the why of it is what is troubling me.  Its a vibe I am getting.  It all began with introducing them all last summer and a family get together at SIL and my half brother's place.  The sparks flew, they connected, I smiled, felt it was a wonderful time.  My half brother had not known our aunts not cousin and her husband.  Boppie and Chuck were home for the summer and I happened to be down for a visit at the same time.  So in August before Boppie left back for Florida, I had left a month before, was sick with a really strange respiratory problem, they got together again.  Plans were made to get together this August again.  The only problem was and is.........my SIL never informed me nor invited me to this get together.  I didn't know anything about it until January when Boppie called and said her and Chuck were going to be in Maine this summer and why don't we get together?  Sure, would love to.  Then she went on to say, "And if you are so inclined ride back with us to NY for the family get together."  I fell silent on my end of the call, my blood ran cold, my throat went dry and my stomach fluttered, I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach.  OMGSS How could my SIL do this?  I can't go unless I am invited and she never did, even though I talked with her in November about going to Florida to spend time with Boppie and Chuck with her. 

Then things really CHANGED in March/April when SIL went to Florida to visit them, now mind you, she just met them last summer and doesn't KNOW them, complete strangers and she goes down to visit.  Odd but then like I said my family is dysfunctional.  Boppie stopped calling me, stopped talking to me on Facebook, not a peep.  Not even a like or comment.  Then by accident I talked with my half brother and he said in a bragging tone how close SIL is to our Aunt Rhoda and Uncle Keith and how they talk everyday.  Then he mentioned the August get together and I was stumped and shocked, told him I didn't know.  He said to make plans to come.  I said get me a date and time.  Its been over a month, crickets!  Then I mentioned Boppie and Chuck coming here to Maine this summer and he said no, plans were changed, they are spending three weeks at his house camping in their RV's.  Hmmmm..........odd but it felt true and yet so unlike Boppie to tell me.  Something was wrong, went wrong and SIL is the culprit.  But what did she say?  Do?  Then last week out of the blue Boppie restricted me from her Facebook page, all I see are cover photos and profiles, no longer family pictures or those of her beautiful gardens and dogs.  War is in the air, I smell it. 

I am insulted, offended, heartbroken, and aghast at the level they all have stooped to.  But not surprising because SIL likes to stir the shitpot and she LOVES meddling in my personal family affairs.  My half brother told me that She and my violent and abusive DIL talk often on Facebook.  OMGSS!!!!!!!  That DIL is deeply psychologically disturbed and had she done to a stranger what she did to my son she'd still be in prison and never have had the luxury of being a parent.  She tried to kill my son not once, not twice, but three times that he mentioned to us.  Then he goes back to her, we let it go gave her a chance.  Then in 2012 she severed all contact with us.  My half brother does not understand the pain that happened and the hateful hurtful things he said to us before the sever. 

So long story here, thank you for bearing with me, but I did a Lenormand reading on the situation with my SIL and Boppie.  This is what I got: 

This is a past, present, future spread, nine cards.  The snake is the card that represents what the reading is about as its the middle card.  Spot on, SIL.  The top row is the past, middle present, last future.  My interpretation is:

Past:  storm clouds were brewing and when SIL took her trip to Florida she set the foundation for the heartbreak

Present:   SIL, the snake worked to kill the relationship and sever ties with the scythe.  

Future:  I am the fortune tell so I should expect some form of communication from either my niece of nephew shortly regarding this mess.  I dunno though, I could be wrong.

Bottom line, at the end of this day and every day forward, I will always have a dysfunctional family and its not healthy for me.  I need to let them go.  Its sad, sure could have used their love and support but there isn't any they are capable of giving, not can they be loyal and honest.  Its not within their being to be caring, nurturing, and loving.  I've learned that the hard way.  So to them I fly the bird high and mighty!  

I Feel so SAD, MAD and TORN!

When you are diagnosed with cancer many have a support network they can fall back on and embrace, especially family.  I do NOT have that luxury.  Long story there, involves a few generations of estrangement and a nasty family situation.  Not my doing.  I would think that my brother, his wife, my cousin and aunts and uncle would be appreciative of who is still remaining in their lives and embrace them but instead they have chosen to be rude, crude, evil, nasty, and have gone the way of alienation.  My sister in-law could not say a nice word to me if it were scripted and she were paid to act!  She is that evil.  Nasty evil bitch she is, controlling and abusive.  I will tell the story in the next few days.  My blood (males mind ya) married individuals that are ABUSIVE and TOXIC!!!! They lack intelligence, understanding, compassion, nurturing, caring, and love.  It began with my father, then my brother, then my oldest son and then my niece, my brother's daughter.  It hurts and I wish I had my family to support me but instead I only have a small circle of what I consider my true family......friends and sisters, not blood but more than blood. 

I have NOT told any of them my situation and don't plan to.  Did I tell you what our oldest son told me in a phone conversation about 5 yrs ago?  Oh it was awful, scary too.  I was recovering from my heart attack and he asked specific questions related to our personal medical information.  Then he told me that when it was time he was going to put me and my husband, his step-father, into a nursing home.  Then he was going to obtain power of attorney and become executor of our estate and he could because he was the oldest.  Oh, and if we ever dared give our nephew (yes, something good became of my brother and hateful SIL) as far as inheritance he was going to piss on our graves.  Now what kind of person, let alone child says that to their parents?  That was hateful and disrespectful.  The timing when he said it was just weeks after his uncles, my ex and his brothers placed his grandparents into assertive living.  None of the four sons wanted to take care of them.  It was cold and cruel, the 2nd oldest son inherited the house they lived in, he told them to move in and then when his dad got sick they kicked them out.  So sad, hope they are done like they did their parents!  Cause it greatly influenced my older son.

I am tired of the hate.  I am tired of crying my eyes out at times over this.  Its so sad.   And shame on my cousin Boppie and her rude, crude, shrewd, and crass actions toward me because of my  vindictive SIL who hates me and I still have yet to know why.  Believe it or not, Boppie is a retired RN.  She should be compassionate and caring but is hateful and controlled.  I did nothing to her, said nothing, she is just so hateful.  I could write a book about her and maybe I should.  But Boppie is controlled by an abusive husband so that explains a lot.  I just saw her again last summer after 25 yrs and it was so nice, but then I made the fatal mistake and introduced my bother and SIL to my cousin and lost my cousin cause my SIL hates me.  So juvenile.  So sad.  

I have more to say but I am tired.  I shall write more in the family situation soon.  I am still digesting my cousin's cold and crass treatment of me on facebook.  But then she could not even be there for her daughter after her daughter's boyfriend died.    She is estranged from her son, has been for 15 yrs now, seems the problem is her, not her children, her mother, my aunt (need to tell you about that) or me, but speaks volumes about her.  It still hurts though, wish she could be here for me since she is my only living female relative near my age.  I was looking forward to reconnecting on our old age, I looked up to her as a child, she is 10 yrs older than I.  Wish my bother could be here for me too but he hates me, he also has TBI.  And I need to get some rest.  More coming soon,.  Thank you for reading this.  Hugs and Love.  <3

A Week Ago Today My Life Changed FOREVER

Good Morning!  :) 

Today I feel weighed down with worry and fears! 

A week ago...........exactly a week ago this morning at this very time, 10:00 AM, I was given the diagnosis that no woman wants to hear, "You have breast cancer" and need a lumpectomy.  My mind has been swirling ever since.  My surgery date is in 12 days.  I pray that they get all the cancer cells and that I don't have to endure the toxic radiation or chemo therapy.  I think at this point in my life I will decline both and find an alternative.  I don't know.  In fact I don't really know much about cancer, let alone breast cancer, and so the reason for this blog.  I am scared, scared of having surgery, taking drugs, the reality I may have to take chemo or radiation treatments, hormonal therapy, loosing my hair, and then of course the cost of it all.

On my mind this morning are worries about my husband's trip to Wilkes Barre, PA next weekend  to pick up our grandson who will be spending most of the summer.  He chose to cut the timing close, driving the 9 hrs down Saturday, staying overnight then driving the 9 hrs back Sunday, getting here later in the day and then getting up early to get me to the hospital at 8:30 AM.  Which means we have to get up at 5:00 AM to make Bangor, an hour drive away in time.  I have to shower with this special body wash the night before and again that morning.  And my mind wanders.........what if the Jeep breaks down?  Then what?  I don't know anyone here who could take me and although my sweet neighbor has offered to help with taking me to chemo if I needed it I can't ask her to take me to surgery, which means an hour drive each way, then wait all day and take me home.  And I have to have surgery on that date because if I don't then I'll have to wait 3 weeks or more.  That means that the dark vile cancer has 3 more weeks in my body to do damage, to grow.  I really need that surgery done as soon as they can because I can feel the stinging burn as the cancer grows in my left breast.  What was hubby thinking when he planned that one?

Then I worry too about that weekend he is gone because that means he won't be here Saturday evening and the noisy neighbors might think with the Jeep gone nobody is home and raise holy hell and crank their loud music that weekend.  Then I'll get another migraine and still be weak and feeling awful come Monday morning.  I need to save my energy for this battle, for surgery and kicking cancer's ass.  I would have to call the police but then they noisy neighbors are politically connected in our small town and nothing might be done and then of course the fear of their retaliation.  I should not have to live in fear of their retaliation or noise.  This past Sunday was awful, they really showed how ignorant, cruel, and disrespectful they really are.

So much weighing down on me this morning. And to think that a week ago my life forever changed when I received the grim diagnosis that no woman ever wanted to hear. 

After the Explosion

And soooooooooo I blew.  Yep I blew, lost my shit and said some really really terrible things.  I don't know if they heard me or not but I am thinking that they may have because they moved their lawn chairs to their porch and yesterday had their music on but it was on the other side of their house and not a problem.

I mean where is the humanity in the world?  My husband politely asked them Saturday evening and explained I was just diagnosed with cancer, they were nice about it he said.  I had my doubts but figured I'd give them the benefit of my doubt.  Sadly my gut was right.  That loud booming music triggered a very painful migraine headache which I tried to dull down by taking a half of an anti anxiety medication my dr prescribed me for the biopsy.  I laid down on our bed, our bedroom faces their garage where their stereo was and the bass booming.  All I heard was the constant "boom, boom, boom, boom......." I was at my wits end and so when their company finally left and it was quiet I rose up outta the bed like a possessed monster out of a Stephen King story and opened the back door and started shouting a tirade of horrible ugly things to them.  I snapped, I broke.  I have never ever before in my life broke like that.  Every emotion I had bottled up inside rose to the surface and blew.  I feel disgusted with myself because I have always taken the high road.  I have always been diplomatic.  But they poked the bear when they got drunk and cranked up that damn music and the bass started booming.......could hear it into the living room with the tv volume turned up as loud as it would go.  Could not drown it out. 

Maybe that explosion was the result of my tossing a witch ball into their side yard on Friday behind their garage where the stereo is.  I tossed it and as I did so said, "Shut the Fuck UP or MOVE!"  Magick works in mysterious ways.  What happens next remains to be seen.  I am anticipating they will just to be hateful crank up that fucking bass even louder this weekend  just because they can.  I am not up to a war with surgery on the horizon in 13 days.  I have enough on my plate right now to digest and certainly don't need the additional stress of their ignorance and cruelty.  I wonder what they would think if someone did their to their mother or loved one the same thing..........loud music booming so they could not rest and heal.  But they have no sense of compassion.  She has a nasty reputation in town for being a mean drunk.  I've not danced with her yet in the 6 yrs they have lived next door but it may come to that.  And of those 6 yrs this spring, May, has been the worst.  The music booming even louder than in the past.  I fear this is going to get really ugly.  But I must be strong and get my boots on and kick ass!

Noisy Nuisance Neighbors

OMG they are pure vermin!  They are vile just like this cancer I have growing in my body and it seems that as my cancer grows so does their noise.  They have always been noisy, but this weekend is the worst.  My sweet husband went over last night.  He asked them to please  lower their music last night, said I was just diagnosed with cancer and they were nice about it and did but now.....holy shit.....its Memorial Day Weekend, Sunday night and they are booming their fucking music full force.  Their actions say so much about them.  Go to fucking hell

When Life Tosses A Curve Ball: Boggy's Breast Cancer Journey

Breast cancer, the recent statistics say that 1 in every 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and the numbers are increasing for women in their 30's and 40's.  I never thought much about breast cancer, as far as I knew the gene didn't run in my family tree but I can't be certain.  My mother was semi-estranged from her sisters and her sisters kept secrets and sadly my only female cousin and I don't have a close relationship.  My father was estranged from his own mother most of his life as well as estranged from his half brother.    Up until last month the only person I knew with breast cancer was an administrator I worked with and she was a very negative person.  More on her in future posts.  I survived a heart attack in 2011 and now I have to fight to survive again, you see I was given the news last week Wednesday after a biopsy on my left breast on Monday.  I have breast cancer. 

The diagnosis stunned me.  The letter from the oncologist stated to bring someone with you for support.  Glad I brought my hubby because that news was the scariest news in my entire life and the least thing I expected to hear.    Cancer to me is like a death sentence.  Its this dark vile blob that takes over your body, slowly eating away at it until you are reduced to nothing.  The doctor went on to say that its a tiny dot, a nodule he called it and described it as the size of an M & M peanut.  He said if I am lucky they got it when they did the biopsy.  I am scheduled for surgery June 11th, three days before my 61st birthday.  Although he explained everything fairly well I was still processing "caner' and not comprehending much else of what he said.  Its a shock to be told you have cancer, let alone breast cancer.  Then as I sat on the examination table wearing that dag "johnny robe" I realized that women don't talk readily about breast cancer and the procedures one has to go through, step by step.  Hence the purpose of this blog to share my experience as I go through this new battle with breast cancer on my journey in life.  And this has me thinking a LOT about what women go through, especially Crones. 


He went on to say the surgery would consist of my having dye injected into me and that had to set for 2 hrs.  Then he was going to go in a remove the nodule and then check my lymph node to make sure that it had not spread.  I asked if this were local and he said no, I would have anesthesia.  Its outpatient surgery.  I'll spend the day at the hospital, an hour drive away and then go home.  I asked him details about complications and explained our grandson was coming to visit and I wasn't going to allow anything to get in the way of that.  He said I would be given a special bra by the local cancer organization that zips in the front and has Velcro straps.  I would need to wear this for 2 weeks and take it off only when I shower.  And speaking of shower, I can't shower for 2 days!  UGH!  I'll have to do what my heart sister's call a "W" shower.  Wipes. 

After surgery he will know more about the next steps.  If surgery successfully removed the cancer then nothing.  If not then the next course is chemo or radiation or possibly hormonal therapy.  He did say if he were a betting man that he would go with hormonal therapy as my hormone receptors tested positive.  If thats the case I will take a hormone pill for the next five to ten years.  I have to say I am scared of having to do chemo therapy or radiation.  Just to be safe I am going to cut my hair sometime over the next week to prepare.  I'll need to get some scarves as well.    Do I have confidence in this oncologist?  I think so, I've been burned before in the past by the incompetent doctors here in northern Maine but he seems competent.  He studied at Duke and did his residency at one of the top cancer treatment hospitals in the country, Roswell in Rochester, NY.  Being from western NY I know of their reputation. 

I am alone in my thoughts, sharing them with you my dear reader.  I'm scared.  I am overwhelmed and trying to process it all.  My heart attack set me back but  cancer sounds so ominous.  As time goes by I'll explain more and more and of the steps from the mammogram to the ultra sound/biopsy process.  Remember to get your annual mammograms and if anything comes back with a question (I was able to get my results through the patient portal) jump on it ASAP. 

So Where do I go from here? 

Countdown to Another Sorrowful Christmas: Day 12 Grieving the Living

         Tears fall from my green eyes as I slowly tap on the keys of my laptop, the keyboard a blur.  The sadness washes over my soul like a tsunami smashing my heart to bits and pieces.  There is not a moment in each day, sometimes more, that I don’t grieve and mourn the loss of my two sons and four grandsons.  I have two more but I don’t know them thanks to their psychotic mother’s alienation.  Its hard, so hard to have to grieve the living dead, to bury the living and let go.  The emotional pain has taken a toll on me and I wonder where in life the wrong turn happened.  I sure did not ever, EVER imagine that at this stage in my life that I would be estranged from both my sons and grandsons.  It wasn’t supposed to happen, it wasn’t in the script.  Who was the cruel person that wrote in that plot twist in my life?  I’ve tried rewinding the reel in the movie of my life trying to find that one moment.  I beat myself up wondering where I went wrong or how it went all wrong.  I can find neither answers nor relief from this pain.  I know that I am not alone because I am a member of a few groups on Facebook that deal with estrangement.  It seems to me that this is becoming a widespread epidemic of abandoning one’s aging parents and tossing them aside like yesterday’s trash.  I must pause and say that some children have had to alienate from their parents due to abuse, however, this new epidemic of children were not abused.  Maybe its entitlement, they deserved and wanted it all and when their parents could no longer give they tossed them.  They have no use for their parents unless there is some gain for them, mainly financial. 

               We have been estranged from our older son since 1994 when he met his then psycho girlfriend.  Thats when we lost him.  He graduated from high school that year and was set to begin the local community college the spring semester of 1995.  My brother married his long time girlfriend that Labor Day weekend.  He was in the wedding.  We drove back home to  NYS for the wedding and thats when it fell apart.  He said he wanted to stay with his grandparents, my ex's parents for a bit.  I knew what he was up to, reconnecting and stalking his old girlfriend.  His grandparents were religiously obsessed and went to church all the time.  That was where he met his demise and psycho girlfriend who later became his wife.  She was controlling from the get go, no manners, crass, rude, and crude.  Her mother had recently passed away from a heart attack and there were allegations she did not call 911 in time and let her mother die.  I have to say its plausible.  My son was obsessed with her and then got her pregnant.  They had to marry.  Shortly after the birth of their son her violent abuse of my son began.  She beat him so bad on three occasions that  we know of that were homicidal.  She beat him with the wooden butt end of a gun and actually broke it over his head, this caused some TBI with him.  Next she sliced his left arm open with the blade of a butcher knife in a rage leaving his arm numb and a scar.  And finally she tried to kill him by driving into a telephone pole at a high rate of speed with their car with their baby in the back seat, the baby was two at the time.  My son went through the windshield.  Never did he report her or have her arrested which I can understand why, men are not believed when they are abused.  In addition she publically degraded and humiliated him.  So his grandparents brought him down to our farm in North Carolina, hundreds of miles away.  He stayed with us for two years and then he met this girl online, flew out to Colorado to meet her, it apparently didn't work out and his grandparents paid for a bus ticket for him to go back to  NYS.  Then he hooked up with his psycho wife shortly after, she claimed she was beaten by a boyfriend and has no memory of what she did to my son.  Yeah right!!!  Then there was a time of a brief relationship from 2009 til 2012 when she got pregnant again after seventeen years and then suddenly our son stopped calling us.  

                Our younger son chose to be alienate from us just after my heart attack.......funny isn't that?  Its been six and a half years now.  There was a period of a year where he was fine last year and we enjoyed a warm connection but then a few months ago he suddenly cut us off again.  He is no longer married to his wife who had schizophrenia, they split after he ran off with her bestie.  Its his ex wife that has caused us a lot of pain but then what would one expect from someone who brought a gun to school at the age of fourteen with intentions to harm another girl.  She was in trouble so she knew if she got pregnant she would not have to go to a juvenile detention center.  This was in 1997 before the Columbine incident.  The bestie I like, but even she is acting strange now.  

                In our case the alienation and estrangement from both my sons involved their involvements and marriages to women that have mental illness.  One is a violent psychotic and the other a schizophrenic who brought a gun to school when she was fourteen years old with intentions to harm another girl.  Typically this does not happen twice in a family, however, when young boys use the wrong head they get into trouble and they both did at that too!  Yet can I fully blame those two women?  Our sons needed to grow a pair of balls and stand up to them!    They made their decisions and now they must accept the responsibility and consequences for those decisions.  Like my mother used to say, “You make your bed now you lie in it!”  Yet I don’t believe that they, nor the millions of other children who estranged from their parents sees their role in the disaster they created and the shit storm about to hit them from their own children.  Nothing is ever their fault.  They are narcissistic as are their spouses and children. 

                I have to live my life without my two sons and grandsons, its really hard to accept that sentence and know that I have to bury the living.  Its not my choice, its not what I bargained for in this life.  There is nothing I can do about it, they all control the situation, cutting us off, silencing our voices.  But not for long………this mother has a say and my voice will be heard through my tears!  I’m telling my story to the world!  I’m going to be a voice for all estranged parents.  I am going to connect with others who are estranged from their children and grandchildren.  Together we will be a force to be reckoned with and let our estranged children know we will NOT TOLERATE This.

Tomorrow is Day 11 in Grieving the Living.