Countdown to Another Sorrowful Christmas: Day 12 Grieving the Living

         Tears fall from my green eyes as I slowly tap on the keys of my laptop, the keyboard a blur.  The sadness washes over my soul like a tsunami smashing my heart to bits and pieces.  There is not a moment in each day, sometimes more, that I don’t grieve and mourn the loss of my two sons and four grandsons.  I have two more but I don’t know them thanks to their psychotic mother’s alienation.  Its hard, so hard to have to grieve the living dead, to bury the living and let go.  The emotional pain has taken a toll on me and I wonder where in life the wrong turn happened.  I sure did not ever, EVER imagine that at this stage in my life that I would be estranged from both my sons and grandsons.  It wasn’t supposed to happen, it wasn’t in the script.  Who was the cruel person that wrote in that plot twist in my life?  I’ve tried rewinding the reel in the movie of my life trying to find that one moment.  I beat myself up wondering where I went wrong or how it went all wrong.  I can find neither answers nor relief from this pain.  I know that I am not alone because I am a member of a few groups on Facebook that deal with estrangement.  It seems to me that this is becoming a widespread epidemic of abandoning one’s aging parents and tossing them aside like yesterday’s trash.  I must pause and say that some children have had to alienate from their parents due to abuse, however, this new epidemic of children were not abused.  Maybe its entitlement, they deserved and wanted it all and when their parents could no longer give they tossed them.  They have no use for their parents unless there is some gain for them, mainly financial. 

               We have been estranged from our older son since 1994 when he met his then psycho girlfriend.  Thats when we lost him.  He graduated from high school that year and was set to begin the local community college the spring semester of 1995.  My brother married his long time girlfriend that Labor Day weekend.  He was in the wedding.  We drove back home to  NYS for the wedding and thats when it fell apart.  He said he wanted to stay with his grandparents, my ex's parents for a bit.  I knew what he was up to, reconnecting and stalking his old girlfriend.  His grandparents were religiously obsessed and went to church all the time.  That was where he met his demise and psycho girlfriend who later became his wife.  She was controlling from the get go, no manners, crass, rude, and crude.  Her mother had recently passed away from a heart attack and there were allegations she did not call 911 in time and let her mother die.  I have to say its plausible.  My son was obsessed with her and then got her pregnant.  They had to marry.  Shortly after the birth of their son her violent abuse of my son began.  She beat him so bad on three occasions that  we know of that were homicidal.  She beat him with the wooden butt end of a gun and actually broke it over his head, this caused some TBI with him.  Next she sliced his left arm open with the blade of a butcher knife in a rage leaving his arm numb and a scar.  And finally she tried to kill him by driving into a telephone pole at a high rate of speed with their car with their baby in the back seat, the baby was two at the time.  My son went through the windshield.  Never did he report her or have her arrested which I can understand why, men are not believed when they are abused.  In addition she publically degraded and humiliated him.  So his grandparents brought him down to our farm in North Carolina, hundreds of miles away.  He stayed with us for two years and then he met this girl online, flew out to Colorado to meet her, it apparently didn't work out and his grandparents paid for a bus ticket for him to go back to  NYS.  Then he hooked up with his psycho wife shortly after, she claimed she was beaten by a boyfriend and has no memory of what she did to my son.  Yeah right!!!  Then there was a time of a brief relationship from 2009 til 2012 when she got pregnant again after seventeen years and then suddenly our son stopped calling us.  

                Our younger son chose to be alienate from us just after my heart attack.......funny isn't that?  Its been six and a half years now.  There was a period of a year where he was fine last year and we enjoyed a warm connection but then a few months ago he suddenly cut us off again.  He is no longer married to his wife who had schizophrenia, they split after he ran off with her bestie.  Its his ex wife that has caused us a lot of pain but then what would one expect from someone who brought a gun to school at the age of fourteen with intentions to harm another girl.  She was in trouble so she knew if she got pregnant she would not have to go to a juvenile detention center.  This was in 1997 before the Columbine incident.  The bestie I like, but even she is acting strange now.  

                In our case the alienation and estrangement from both my sons involved their involvements and marriages to women that have mental illness.  One is a violent psychotic and the other a schizophrenic who brought a gun to school when she was fourteen years old with intentions to harm another girl.  Typically this does not happen twice in a family, however, when young boys use the wrong head they get into trouble and they both did at that too!  Yet can I fully blame those two women?  Our sons needed to grow a pair of balls and stand up to them!    They made their decisions and now they must accept the responsibility and consequences for those decisions.  Like my mother used to say, “You make your bed now you lie in it!”  Yet I don’t believe that they, nor the millions of other children who estranged from their parents sees their role in the disaster they created and the shit storm about to hit them from their own children.  Nothing is ever their fault.  They are narcissistic as are their spouses and children. 

                I have to live my life without my two sons and grandsons, its really hard to accept that sentence and know that I have to bury the living.  Its not my choice, its not what I bargained for in this life.  There is nothing I can do about it, they all control the situation, cutting us off, silencing our voices.  But not for long………this mother has a say and my voice will be heard through my tears!  I’m telling my story to the world!  I’m going to be a voice for all estranged parents.  I am going to connect with others who are estranged from their children and grandchildren.  Together we will be a force to be reckoned with and let our estranged children know we will NOT TOLERATE This.

Tomorrow is Day 11 in Grieving the Living.  

TIME....
Here it is spiraling to the end of MAY. I was in a hurry (why??) to do some cleaning up stairs. My energy waned,so many times up and down the steps, cardio work out. I needed some coffee...again! 

So thought I take a break..as the word...TIME... kept sticking in my head, going around and around...and thinking of what I seen in a few stores, yesterday... Decor for the 4 th of July...ALREADY!!! SIGH

Why??? must we always be in a hurry? for the next day, the next holiday, the next season, the next whatever! We are not enjoying NOW... We wanted Spring...we wanted to plant, we wanted to see green grass, we wanted to feel Mother Nature, wake slowly in our neck of the woods. so why are we not enjoying it? WHY are we letting "others" throw us into being in such a hurry to move on? 

NO! I did not look at any of the "July stuff" (rolling my eyes here) I am still in Spring! in week? or two? I will slowly lean a bit into Summer, with the Summer Solstice, in June. Not going to rush...WHY hurry my life away sooner???  

So... my thoughts mulling around about TIME...Take one day at a time. Slow down, stuck in traffic? yes, it a pain when you can think of many things you need to do or places you need to be at. But maybe this the time to put in a cd, listen to some calming music, or some thing from your teens...and just BREATHE...relax a bit. Enjoy the memories, enjoy breathing...Being frustrated, angry will not help your day, and you are wasting some time to just relax a bit, and  go down memory lane...

We need to slow down, no matter your age. We need time to unwind, each day... Stop being in a hurry. Stop stressing about the time. To get this done and that done! We multitask way too much! Missing little moments, missing our kids do and say things silly or cute, missing Mother Nature's beauty change. When was the last time you put your bare feet in the SPRING grass wiggled your toes and just grounded?? sipped on some sweet tea?? watched the squirrels? birds? the wind in the trees..or your cat or dog  rolling around in the grass, all stretched out? Even they know it is a good thing...

I know in our hectic work schedule, kids schedules (and many are way to busy, with little time to be out in Nature and just unwind, and  be a kid! Do you remember what you did as a kid? just for fun, no time limit, no hurry? ) 

With all the responsibilities we have, take on...we need to realize this is not good for us..We need TIME to unwind, breathe, slow down, enjoy the moments in the making NOW!

So lets not let "others" push us to hurry so much, Not rush through the holidays, that not even here yet, for the next one. We may plan to unwind, relax (and we do not) on a holiday and lets think of those holidays and the significance behind them. Slow down... Deadlines will come and go, things won't get done as planned, We never feel their is enough time! So make/take the time to just enjoy the moments each day.  LOOK for the little things.  TIME moves fast!

MAY....MAY?

May...where did April go? April left us in a torment of TEARS?

Seems I was very busy? with this and that...LIFE stuff.

Yes, the SPRING  bug hit me and I have been cleaning on flower beds, with all of the LIFE stuff...

Dodging the tears? rain drops...some times, buckets full at once!!! It is just really really "soggy"  here in my little corner of Missouri...so far! 
Flooding is all around us...and more rain to come ???  

Seems Mother Nature is "cleaning up".. giving every thing a good wash &...FLUSH... 
Can  not say I blame her, we humans do a lot of damage, TRASHING/ABUSE of her! We  are really stupid to keep doing this to Mother Earth. We take and take from her,and once we done with what ever, we just dump it right back on her, in her, around her. We try to stop her ways, her cycles...Well Mother Nature has other ideas of what needs done!

We see damage, destruction, even death... 

But to Mother Earth, this is the Circle of Life, and it must go on. Their MUST be BALANCE...
The Earth is off BALANCE, and Mother Earth is trying to heal her self...

No, none of this is pretty to us humans. This is just a small portion of the flooding all over the state, Farm ground covered in water, crops planted early will have to be replanted. Many will have to replant their gardens. Tho we feel all this destruction is  not needed, the Balance is off kilter. 
To say I understand all this? nope!  I just know MOM is cleaning house, and some times when you clean, you make more of a mess to start out, before you get it cleaned and looking good ! 

So we hang on... best we can, pray, yes pray, ask...yes ask... over and over again...
Get the umbrellas,rain gear, boats, buckets for leaks, sump pumps working over time, Travel detours, or stay at home. Keep our heads up... best we can. 

The rain will stop, it will dry out and we will start again, This too shall pass.

MARCH...marches on...

Can you believe it?? almost to the end of March. Rainy here.. much needed rain too... Of course this makes one, ( ME)  want to go play in the dirt, and get that "to do list" started on?  Why is that? spring comes, some times before it gets here, we, ( I )  get this MADNESS??  to get this done, get that done, got to have this and that...all done...SOON!

Then we have, the LIFE "stuff" that comes, ya know tax time, bills..just living, or trying. Getting by, some times with a tad bit left to get  a few extra's, we wanting to get.

Like Mulch... yes yes, we need mulch, told the hubs, he groans... But says not one word, smart man ( smile) so mulch we get, and some top soil and some manure and he loads it all, or most, the help not come until the last few bags, then the wonderful hubs,(smile) unloads it all, from said truck... so now I have the mulch to do the front flower beds.

YES!  yes this is the year, we "plan" to get some out side work done on the old place, Much "NEEDED" roof, (for starters) he want metal...well mmm maybe ??? think the old girl will like it??? 2 story,  100 yrs old...will it be hotter upstairs??? they tell me "no"  mmm ? well... I tell the hubs, "IF we go metal, I get to pick the color"..."well"... he stalls, then says, "well, okay, what you have in mind? Black, grey, green?"  

mmm" NO... the brightest RED they got"... his look? is pained, LOL
Hubs looks at me and says, "timidly, are you sure?" with doubt in his eyes... "Oh YES!" I reply, "it will be the brightest house on this corner!"  Hubs, with his deadpan look, says "it is the only house on this corner" (such details pfff)...LOL "yep!  so it stand out!" mmm
I do not think he is convinced?   We will see...( he not think the RED door was a good idea, until after I did it and then he was like wow, that looks good! DOUBT me???  pffff...

I have looked at other 2 story homes and think they all look very nice, even grand! ( pics courtesy pintrest)  What do you think?

really I try to not say what my brain is telling me to say.... I bite my tongue, some times... but that has gotten less and less...oops
oh well... I do try to see where others are coming from? but that is getting harder and harder. Explain to me HOW hurting the country, taking away so much, destroying so much of our beautiful country, with plans to destroy even more of her ! How is this for the good of the country, for the good of the people? For future generations?   All I can see is a bunch of dirty, old men getting richer and richer, whose greed is destroying and causing so much HATE and EVIL... We all should be worried by all that has been going on. This affects us all. Look at the  mess our children and grandchildren are going to have to live with, all the  HATE, EVIL and GREED!

How many?

How many women are in you?  We all have so many sides and
personalities,Quirkiness, playful,spirited,serious, sexy, romantic, rebellious, gypsy, boho, hippies, wild, deep thinkers, to name a few. All depending on what is going on in our life, and many of us can change quickly...from sweet to Bitch real quickly 😉😉
So do you think about this from time to time? Do you let the playful out to play? do you show your quirkiness? or are you hiding the many sides of YOU?
Some thing to think on...thoughts?

WHY?

I THINK ... this sums up my feelings on all this BS from our so called leaders! I was just a  a very young girl when this started. Just started wearing a bra, that mmm probably was not even really needed, BUT I wanted one, and then they wanted to burn them??? I not comprehend it  at all, at that time.  Not being around many women who were really listening at that time, or SCARED to voice their thoughts on all this?  But I can honestly say my grandmothers were strong women, but very set in their ways of,  "what" young women did and did NOT do...
But of COURSE!!  I wanted Birth control! WHO in their right mind wanted a baby, every year or so??? even if one was married or not? My mind  took off, why is it OK for guys to have SEX but not girls?? tell me again???  WHY?? this is OK?? really??? WHY can boys do some things and a  girl can not?? WHY??
SNORT!
Yes, I was told, I asked too many questions. I was to be seen and NOT heard... I was a GIRL and again I asked what difference does that make?  WHY??? God gave me a brain I told my father and my grandmother.  Sigh, well several times that did not end well!  

Did that stop me? NO! I might of been slow to speak up, speak out, But I was always asking WHY? Even after I married young. (WTH was I thinking?) Took  a few years and few  babies...and something changed, I spoke out more, I had seen so much unfairness and I still DO, just because we are women!

Just because we bleed each month and we do not DIE? we can bring forth LIFE? Why are so many men so afraid of US??? even after all that stops, So MANY Men feel threatened by US?

IF we are outspoken we are labeled a BITCH, ball buster's etc etc, REALLY??  Again, I  ask, WHY??  years have past..we do NOT need to go back 40  years or more. We need to move forward, work together, WOMEN/  FEMALE and MEN/ MALES together to make OUR world a better place, For the Future of  ALL who live on Mother Earth.

So when we let unfairness go,we look away from the unfairness, when we let racism, religion, differences in humans, because some are afraid of this or so narrow minded or FULL of HATE. Stop and think, don't you wonder, WHY???

Why do they not try, to see if from  the other person/HUMAN, their thinking, wants, needs?  WHY are they so stuck in the past? WHY are they afraid?

STOP and THINK a minute or so, Do you want YOUR daughters, granddaughters geat-granddaughters, nieces, YOUR blood to be controlled? to have NO say over their own bodies?  Their LIFE. To  be told by a bunch of self righteous MALES or even closed minded women?? what they can and can not do?? Do they NOT have a BRAIN? The right to make their own choices, their OWN decisions? the RIGHT to ask WHY? To do their own choosing!

"Who" GAVE  these so called, in power people, the RIGHT?   WHY? WHY are WE  letting them tell US what we can and can not do!  Think about all this. OPEN your mind! ASK... WHY?

This is NOT going away... THINK  on this!